Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Truth in advertising.

I am leaving the only place that I have really know for the last 19 years in a few days. Finally. I have longed for and wanted this for so long it is almost unbelievable that I will ever really leave. In the next three years I will have left the country, made tons of new friends, played in snow for the first time, hit legal drinking age, get married, and have my own place. I will have also missed Christmas for the first time as well as a slew of other birthdays and holidays.

I have so little family left that it makes it hard to care. It makes it hard to miss all the disappointment and hurt. Every year every holiday is the same thing over and over. we all awkwardly try to pretend we care though it is obvious that most of us do not. My older brother is spoiled, I'm forgotten, and my nieces and nephews run free. Once you are an adult Christmas sucks. Everyone pretends its "so hard" to shop for you just so they do not have to put in the effort. Excuses. I'm tired of it. Really I am so simple to shop for. Get something Batman related. I will be happy. It is that easy, but no, my older brother gets 200 dollars (seriously) and I get a 20 dollar pj set that doesn't fit, because my mom thinks I am 20 times fatter than I am, and of a character I do not even like that much. Awesome. Then she seriously has the nerve to say "Well I though of you." to justify it.  Yeah, pjs  are the same as 200 dollars. Totally fair. She even gave more money to my brother than she did my sister who is a stay at home mom with three kids who is having a hard time making ends meet.

It is just the fact that I have to act like I so wanted those pjs and by not saying otherwise, its like I approved of the injustice.  The fact that I can not even voice how unfair that is angers me. I gave the pj set to my sister, as soon as my mom walked out of the room, who loves that character even though she doesn't fit it either. She loved it. I sit there and labor over getting the perfect gift because I actually care, and my mom picked up pjs the day before and didn't even bother to wrap them because even that was too much of an effort. I am so sick of disappointment. I am sick of gifts that I don't want that I have to pretend I like. I am sick of the "HERE." attitude that prevails, instead of excitement. When did it all become a hassle? 

It just depresses me. My birthday is the worse. Most of the time my only present is the cake itself, which my dad and my bother eat half of,  and yet my brother pretty much gets whatever he wants on his birthday. He is 2 years older than me, has no intention of moving out, barely makes any money at a job that he has been at for 6 years, and then spends it all on trips to Atlanta instead of making any means of saving it. His major is art but he doesn't want to be an artist, nor does he actually know what classes he really needs or how many hours he needs to get that degree. My mom took my other sisters' college pre-paid plan that she set up for all of us from her so she could give it to my brother because his is almost out.  My dad is sure that he will live with my parents until he is 30, and my mom will let him get away with it.

I am a sailor in the US Navy. I only come home on weekends. I pay for my own things and I end up doing everything my mom is too lazy to do, like wrapping presents, getting the mail, doing the dishes, ect. I dream of becoming a doctor and I have the means to pay for it myself without the prepaid plan, though I will for sure use that too. I am happily engaged, desperate to get out from under her, and I can take care of my own business.  I  am even leaving at the end of the week to join the fleet on my ship, CVN 77.  I won't even be in the same state as her for the next three years, yet my mom didn't even want to do an early Christmas with me. My dad had to make her.

I am just so sick of this place and my family. Why should I be upset that I will miss Christmas and my Birthday? Why? The only person I actually want to be with is my sister, and on holidays she has to be the peace keeper, not my sister. I am sick of the false pretenses, and the whole stupid game of it all. I get it, no one wants to be with one another. That is why no one puts any effort in at all.

It will be nice not having to do everything for a while. This was the first year I didn't have to put up the tree by myself because no one else cared to. This was the first year that my family actually sat down to watch White Christmas without me dragging them to do so. The first year that I wrapped only my presents. The first year that I actually looked forward to my birthday, knowing that I probably will be working that day. I'm actually happy to. I'll even work Christmas. Who cares. People long ago stopped caring about spending Christmas with me.

I just want it to be done. I am tired of the hurt. I am tired of being lonely surrounded by my family. I am tired of the lies and the disappointment. The disappointment is the worst. Somehow I always convince myself that somehow this year will be different, that somehow I might even have a good time, and then I end up crying my eyes out for a few hours alone in my room and no one notices. Then I have to dry my eyes, and drag everyone into the living room to do the one of two traditions we do every year. We watch White Christmas, but we don't even do that. I drag them into the room for minutes at a time and then they are gone to their own respective corners once again. My sister tires, she really does, but she can be just as bad. She just doesn't seem to understand that I want a family, not to be alone, for Christmas. I want hugs and laughs and kisses, but somehow I get none of that. That is what I want for Christmas and my birthday, happiness. Apparently that is all out this season.

So please, send me away. Please. It would be kinder.

My love is away at college and has to work over the season, and there goes my only joy.

Let me leave and start this new thing. Let me work so others can go home to loved ones. Mine don't want me anyway. They have yet to really try to spend any time with me before I leave and the only one who has a real reason for why she can't is my sister and that is because she has children, which is totally fine. My bother hardly cares, my dad, who is home all day, stays in his computer room and says 2 words to me all day. He says that "family is so important to him", that he really cares, but he is such a hypocrite! He obviously doesn't give a shit either, and yet he has has my sister eating out of his hand. She even sits there and actually believes that he cares, knowing that he tried to put me in foster care at age 16 because I was depressed. He made no move to get me any kind of help, like he tells everyone that he would. "if you ever have a problem, I'll always help." My mom is even worse, but no surprise there. My oldest brother I haven't seen since I got back from Boot Camp and he lives 15 minutes away. So fuck them. FUCK THEM! I'm tired of it. SO tired of it. They are all lies.

Right now, I only care for Michelle and the kids.

I feel so lonely and upset because no one will make the effort. I am thankful for every single one of my friends and my sister. I am thankful for my job and the people I get to work with. I am thankful for my loving fiance and his great family. I am thankful for so much, I truly and honestly am. I know that I have gotten some things that others would love to have, but  most of my family is not included. I try and try to be thankful for them, to see the silver lining because I know that I am lucky, but I have had it. All they give me is heart break.

Not sure how this turned into a rant about my family but whatever. I guess I needed to say it. My last two post have been quite angry. Sorry for the change in program folks. The holidays do that to me, if you couldn't tell.

So happy holidays from my island of loneliness and isolation. 

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