Thursday, May 9, 2013

Borrowed time

It seems I have been on borrowed time for too long and now the bill has seem to come and my credit card has reached its limit.

A year of happiness, a year of freedom, and a year of independence is now gone. Now I have a roommate that I used to think of as a friend first, a job that is slowly turning more and more sour by the day, and never ending loneliness. My Odysseus is far from my island it seems. All I can do is hope that he returns to me eventually but after so long, though I know he will return, the light at the end of the tunnel seems dimmer and dimmer.

Overdrawn I am trying to keep afloat. I am not drowning, but I am far from land and I can no longer seem to care anymore. Apathy is my only flotation device. So far from who I used to be, who I was. I liked that person, I didn't want to change. I was happy. Now that I gone to, and after all that I faced I am owed much more than a mere year. But I do not get to make the decisions. I do not get to control the universe. There is no real justice system in the universe. No karma. Just actions and reactions. If it happens to work out fairly then so be it.

Maybe I just have island fever. Maybe this will fade and I will once again be who I thought that I was. Maybe my hope isn't so far away. Maybe my light is closer and brighter than I think. Still, in the end it is back to where I was before. I must fight for it, something it seems I have done for so long. I wanted my peace and I got a year of it. Apparently that is enough of a reward. I should just get over the fact that it is once again time to fight, and just fight. Stop being weak, stop being whinny and pathetic that I lost it, and fight once more. Toughen back up, stop being so soft, because that isn't a luxury I can afford any more.

The fight is all I have ever known, and in a way, that is my true home. So I guess Its time to stop vacationing and go home.