Friday, December 9, 2011

To My Straightjacket Of Old.

Thanks for never being there, for brainwashing me, nearly killing me inside. You stole my life away, my thoughts, my dreams, my heart, and my sanity. Now don't that sound like a real friend. You seemed to want to crush me down farther and farther, and then when you could never quite seem to kill me, you would build me back up just to try all over again. You scared me and I still feel those scars, and I want to thank you for that.

Today, I am fine without you. I let go of you. It took me two years, but I am done. I am done with you, and your expectations and your lies. Even in leaving you tried to keep me down. You said it was me. You said that I was to blame for it all, as if you were too good to have any blame, as if  your hands could never be stained. You lied. You lied and lied and lied. You tried to poison me and it worked for 2 years. You acted like it was so easy for you, and that is because it was. You never cared for me and you used me. There is just no excuse.

I am done. You are never coming back. Never. You lie, you put on a show, like you always do, and then it starts all over. Well fuck you. I have wanted to have the strength to say that and mean it, and now I do. You are a user and a lier. You would think I know what that looks like by now, but then again, I have never seen someone put 7 years into a destruction. I actually hate you. You took all the love that I had, the closeness and the devotion to my "sister" and you manged to twist it to hate. Bravo. It takes some doing. It really does. I HATE YOU! I admit it.

I give up on this love. I give up on this "friendship", and I give up on you. You are no better than the rest of my family. They only wish to use me just like you. They do their best to tear me down, just like you. Silly me, I was looking to the wrong "sister" for seven years. You are a horrible person. You are vile and wretched. It hurts to admit that I hate you because you have me so brainwashed that I feel as if it is my fault you are this way. I actually feel like it is my fault that YOU did all of this.

What did I ever do but love you? You would twist and twist that knife into my back until I snapped and then it would all be my fault. You are a cancer. You are all that is bad in the world. You took and took and took. I named you something so scared and you took that too, all the while calling me the villain. No more. I am done with your shackles. I am done with your chains. I blame your reticence. I didn't I paid for merely a masquerade so I want my money back. I will no longer hang on your every word, just to be stuck in the silence for months on end. You aren't worth it. I choose you over my real sister who loves me and I will NEVER make that mistake EVER again.

I wanted you to apologize for a while, and just admit that you were to blame for some of it. I played in your circus of silence for so long, hanging from your tight rope. You will never use that word. You know that I do not like it, and that is because it is never used with any meaning. Never by you. All your words are dipping with your agenda. I am not the one who went and made a mistake, YOU did. Words are no use, you don't need them unless you want to twist them. It was never the curtain call that separated us. We were going off to do great things but we could have stayed close. No, you wanted to hurt me once more in the most epic way you could. You don't want me to achieve. You want me forever under your thumb and when I couldn't be you wanted me destroyed.

Why should I ever expect anything human from you? You will never be sorry. Never. You tear those you love down for the fun of it. I hope that you are always alone. I hope that someones does the same to you. I hope that the last two years have been hell for you. I hope you realize just what you gave up. I hope that nothing has changed in your love of drama, but this time you can't use my better sense of judgment to make it all go away when it is too much. I hope you get your heart broken just like you broke mine. I am tried of loving you and getting nothing for it. I am tired of being so abused. I am tired of your bullshit. Go to hell now, for all I care. Your pride will never let you call me, or even ask for help, help that I would have gladly given,  so only you are to blame. I hope the worst for you. I do not even want you at my wedding. You will destroy something so beautiful and something so happy for me. You do not deserve to be by my side EVER again. I never want to see you and I curse your name. KELSEY ANN PAULES FUCK YOU! I name you and hate you. No longer are you in my shadows. No longer will I dare protect you vile name. Let everyone see who you really are.

You had something so beautiful in me and you ruined it, and that in itself is worse than what most have done. I loved you, truly and honestly. You write letters and notes, claiming that I am the one so foul but we both know it was always you. You love it. You love to cause suffering. He is right, you really are soulless. Soulless and heartless. You deserve much more than what has been said here. It takes so much for me to hate, but you have done so. You are evil. There is nothing more to it and I will allow myself to say it. I will no longer hold back the words that I have seemed to be doing for so long.

How is it up on your high horse? If the moment ever rolls around you might want to take a look down because you are not so far from the ground. You aren't my hero, you are my villain. Don't try to act like you aren't. Don't try to put on the mask and pretend. I am not answering. You tried to kill me with your maybes. I will not beg to be at your back door any more. The fact that I want you hurt so bad should speak volumes.

So thank you. I was so happy with life. I was in love and I was moving up in the world for the first time. Thank you for tearing it all down and reminding me just how far I could fall. Thank you for breaking my heart and showing me that even some people I can not forgive. I tired so hard but I can't. I can't even wish you the best. Thank you for leaving my life. Thank you for never coming back. Thank you for all the pain that you caused so I could learn that some friends aren't friends.

And if  you want my apology then here it is. I am so sorry that you lie, that you play games, that you hurt people,  and that I thought you loved me. I am sorry that you are addicted to being cruel and using people. I am sorry that you think that you are so much better than everyone, and that I was never good enough for you. I am sorry that I trusted you and that I ever let you in my life. I am sorry that I allowed you to use me. I am sorry that I ever think of you in a positive light. I am sorry it took me so long to hate you. I am sorry that I EVER loved you.

Who am I kidding? Sorry has nothing to do with you.

 You were right, everything was so fake between us. You would know, after all. You were the reason it was. How could I not see that?

My final apology is that I am so sorry that I am too good for you.

I denounce your world and your lies with a bottle of kerosene. Sweet dreams in hell.

1 comment:

  1. I kept relating this to my friendship with Kersch. This is really heartfelt and raw. I love and hope you find many more friends a hundred times better than she.