Saturday, December 31, 2011


Forever driving us forward but they are hardly ever seen in a good light. They are seen as devils things that drive one down the path of sins and disparity. They are a marker of insanity, an unstable mind, restless and forever at work. Even the word has a bad connotation. I have never heard it used positively. Still, without obsessions we would have nothing. Inventions, discoveries, ideas, and ways of thinking, all come obsessions. They make us better in all ways. They are the fire to the human spirit. Something as simple as a comic book obsession can save a life, seriously.

Today I read of a 12 year old boy who saved his sisters life and his own because of the game World of Warcraft. I am Not kidding. They were attacked by a moose, which are seriously very deadly because of the giant horns on their heads and their seriously bad attitudes when in their territory, so the boy taunted it away from his sister and then played dead. He said that he got the idea to do that because of his character on the game and the skills that his character acquired on level 30. Seriously, this is true. Look it up.

Obsessions stir the mind and they mix, creating new ideas and paths. A comic book meets science and low and behold we have things that people laughed at, like most of what was on Batman's belt in the 50's. It was some kid that grew up thinking, I want what Batman has. Obsessions make a person who they are and it is just amazing. I know I have my only little concoction that go around and around in my head. So just think, all the people around you have their own little obsessions, their only little vices and virtues, that shape what they do and say . Half the fun is discovering them, they seem silly and childish, but your own appear the same way to them.

So why the bad reputation? As with everything, there are those who over indulge and they ruin things for everyone. 

its odd what triggers each person's imagination and yet it isn't. I know that bugs do not hold much interest in me and yet there are people devoted to the science. You just have to look and see for yourself.

My Shenandoah

My high school band played the piece Shenandoah I believe my sophomore year. My father later remarked that he always liked that song. He said that the song sounded like the south, laid back and easy. I now find myself far away from my once home, in a totally different place filled with odd people. I don't hate it, but I am not too sure that I like it. So many people, all trying to go one way on streets only big enough for two at a time. Who ever though of that was silly to say the least. People are so much impatient, so much more ready to fight, and all courtesy has gone out the window. They are all just to angry for that.

I'm not homesick. Not in the least. I do not miss the heat and the stupidity. I do not miss the boredom and the pointlessness. There are things to do, there are new things to experience, and new ideas. More people means new points of view. No longer are there bible thumpers on the corner of every street, screaming their views as cars pass by, wearing full suits in 90 degree weather.

Its all so complex and new. I love my job, I even like some of the people, I'm just not too sure of the location. I want my own Shenandoah. The south just never seemed that way to me. It was never laid back. It was filled with people that had narrow views and judgments, that is expect for my few friends. It was all I knew and now all so different. Freedom helps I guess. I finally get my own choices.

So here I am, starting this new year of my life in a new place with new people and new experiences.

So I pose a question. Is how you start a new year dictate how it will turn out? Does kissing your love mean a good year to follow? Does starting with anger mean a bad one? Is your whole year decided in a moment? That one minute states how it will all end? Last year started with a missed kiss. My Fiance couldn't make it in time and that is how I year continued. We just kept missing each other and only saw one another in stolen moments. A missed opportunity at college led me to my job in the military. A missed friendship led me to a new, close one, and yes I am talking about my Angel. Could it really be that simple or is the universe just fucking with me.

well hopefully this peace will hold out as I sit with my sister and bro in law watching movies, but if we keep watching comic movies then I doubt it. Seriously, argue with the comic obsessed geek about comic books? Really?

I just want my Shenandoah. My laid back and easy peace. No family drama, and as little work drama as I can get away with, Freedom, I want my simple easy freedom. My Shenandoah.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Truth in advertising.

I am leaving the only place that I have really know for the last 19 years in a few days. Finally. I have longed for and wanted this for so long it is almost unbelievable that I will ever really leave. In the next three years I will have left the country, made tons of new friends, played in snow for the first time, hit legal drinking age, get married, and have my own place. I will have also missed Christmas for the first time as well as a slew of other birthdays and holidays.

I have so little family left that it makes it hard to care. It makes it hard to miss all the disappointment and hurt. Every year every holiday is the same thing over and over. we all awkwardly try to pretend we care though it is obvious that most of us do not. My older brother is spoiled, I'm forgotten, and my nieces and nephews run free. Once you are an adult Christmas sucks. Everyone pretends its "so hard" to shop for you just so they do not have to put in the effort. Excuses. I'm tired of it. Really I am so simple to shop for. Get something Batman related. I will be happy. It is that easy, but no, my older brother gets 200 dollars (seriously) and I get a 20 dollar pj set that doesn't fit, because my mom thinks I am 20 times fatter than I am, and of a character I do not even like that much. Awesome. Then she seriously has the nerve to say "Well I though of you." to justify it.  Yeah, pjs  are the same as 200 dollars. Totally fair. She even gave more money to my brother than she did my sister who is a stay at home mom with three kids who is having a hard time making ends meet.

It is just the fact that I have to act like I so wanted those pjs and by not saying otherwise, its like I approved of the injustice.  The fact that I can not even voice how unfair that is angers me. I gave the pj set to my sister, as soon as my mom walked out of the room, who loves that character even though she doesn't fit it either. She loved it. I sit there and labor over getting the perfect gift because I actually care, and my mom picked up pjs the day before and didn't even bother to wrap them because even that was too much of an effort. I am so sick of disappointment. I am sick of gifts that I don't want that I have to pretend I like. I am sick of the "HERE." attitude that prevails, instead of excitement. When did it all become a hassle? 

It just depresses me. My birthday is the worse. Most of the time my only present is the cake itself, which my dad and my bother eat half of,  and yet my brother pretty much gets whatever he wants on his birthday. He is 2 years older than me, has no intention of moving out, barely makes any money at a job that he has been at for 6 years, and then spends it all on trips to Atlanta instead of making any means of saving it. His major is art but he doesn't want to be an artist, nor does he actually know what classes he really needs or how many hours he needs to get that degree. My mom took my other sisters' college pre-paid plan that she set up for all of us from her so she could give it to my brother because his is almost out.  My dad is sure that he will live with my parents until he is 30, and my mom will let him get away with it.

I am a sailor in the US Navy. I only come home on weekends. I pay for my own things and I end up doing everything my mom is too lazy to do, like wrapping presents, getting the mail, doing the dishes, ect. I dream of becoming a doctor and I have the means to pay for it myself without the prepaid plan, though I will for sure use that too. I am happily engaged, desperate to get out from under her, and I can take care of my own business.  I  am even leaving at the end of the week to join the fleet on my ship, CVN 77.  I won't even be in the same state as her for the next three years, yet my mom didn't even want to do an early Christmas with me. My dad had to make her.

I am just so sick of this place and my family. Why should I be upset that I will miss Christmas and my Birthday? Why? The only person I actually want to be with is my sister, and on holidays she has to be the peace keeper, not my sister. I am sick of the false pretenses, and the whole stupid game of it all. I get it, no one wants to be with one another. That is why no one puts any effort in at all.

It will be nice not having to do everything for a while. This was the first year I didn't have to put up the tree by myself because no one else cared to. This was the first year that my family actually sat down to watch White Christmas without me dragging them to do so. The first year that I wrapped only my presents. The first year that I actually looked forward to my birthday, knowing that I probably will be working that day. I'm actually happy to. I'll even work Christmas. Who cares. People long ago stopped caring about spending Christmas with me.

I just want it to be done. I am tired of the hurt. I am tired of being lonely surrounded by my family. I am tired of the lies and the disappointment. The disappointment is the worst. Somehow I always convince myself that somehow this year will be different, that somehow I might even have a good time, and then I end up crying my eyes out for a few hours alone in my room and no one notices. Then I have to dry my eyes, and drag everyone into the living room to do the one of two traditions we do every year. We watch White Christmas, but we don't even do that. I drag them into the room for minutes at a time and then they are gone to their own respective corners once again. My sister tires, she really does, but she can be just as bad. She just doesn't seem to understand that I want a family, not to be alone, for Christmas. I want hugs and laughs and kisses, but somehow I get none of that. That is what I want for Christmas and my birthday, happiness. Apparently that is all out this season.

So please, send me away. Please. It would be kinder.

My love is away at college and has to work over the season, and there goes my only joy.

Let me leave and start this new thing. Let me work so others can go home to loved ones. Mine don't want me anyway. They have yet to really try to spend any time with me before I leave and the only one who has a real reason for why she can't is my sister and that is because she has children, which is totally fine. My bother hardly cares, my dad, who is home all day, stays in his computer room and says 2 words to me all day. He says that "family is so important to him", that he really cares, but he is such a hypocrite! He obviously doesn't give a shit either, and yet he has has my sister eating out of his hand. She even sits there and actually believes that he cares, knowing that he tried to put me in foster care at age 16 because I was depressed. He made no move to get me any kind of help, like he tells everyone that he would. "if you ever have a problem, I'll always help." My mom is even worse, but no surprise there. My oldest brother I haven't seen since I got back from Boot Camp and he lives 15 minutes away. So fuck them. FUCK THEM! I'm tired of it. SO tired of it. They are all lies.

Right now, I only care for Michelle and the kids.

I feel so lonely and upset because no one will make the effort. I am thankful for every single one of my friends and my sister. I am thankful for my job and the people I get to work with. I am thankful for my loving fiance and his great family. I am thankful for so much, I truly and honestly am. I know that I have gotten some things that others would love to have, but  most of my family is not included. I try and try to be thankful for them, to see the silver lining because I know that I am lucky, but I have had it. All they give me is heart break.

Not sure how this turned into a rant about my family but whatever. I guess I needed to say it. My last two post have been quite angry. Sorry for the change in program folks. The holidays do that to me, if you couldn't tell.

So happy holidays from my island of loneliness and isolation. 

Friday, December 9, 2011

To My Straightjacket Of Old.

Thanks for never being there, for brainwashing me, nearly killing me inside. You stole my life away, my thoughts, my dreams, my heart, and my sanity. Now don't that sound like a real friend. You seemed to want to crush me down farther and farther, and then when you could never quite seem to kill me, you would build me back up just to try all over again. You scared me and I still feel those scars, and I want to thank you for that.

Today, I am fine without you. I let go of you. It took me two years, but I am done. I am done with you, and your expectations and your lies. Even in leaving you tried to keep me down. You said it was me. You said that I was to blame for it all, as if you were too good to have any blame, as if  your hands could never be stained. You lied. You lied and lied and lied. You tried to poison me and it worked for 2 years. You acted like it was so easy for you, and that is because it was. You never cared for me and you used me. There is just no excuse.

I am done. You are never coming back. Never. You lie, you put on a show, like you always do, and then it starts all over. Well fuck you. I have wanted to have the strength to say that and mean it, and now I do. You are a user and a lier. You would think I know what that looks like by now, but then again, I have never seen someone put 7 years into a destruction. I actually hate you. You took all the love that I had, the closeness and the devotion to my "sister" and you manged to twist it to hate. Bravo. It takes some doing. It really does. I HATE YOU! I admit it.

I give up on this love. I give up on this "friendship", and I give up on you. You are no better than the rest of my family. They only wish to use me just like you. They do their best to tear me down, just like you. Silly me, I was looking to the wrong "sister" for seven years. You are a horrible person. You are vile and wretched. It hurts to admit that I hate you because you have me so brainwashed that I feel as if it is my fault you are this way. I actually feel like it is my fault that YOU did all of this.

What did I ever do but love you? You would twist and twist that knife into my back until I snapped and then it would all be my fault. You are a cancer. You are all that is bad in the world. You took and took and took. I named you something so scared and you took that too, all the while calling me the villain. No more. I am done with your shackles. I am done with your chains. I blame your reticence. I didn't I paid for merely a masquerade so I want my money back. I will no longer hang on your every word, just to be stuck in the silence for months on end. You aren't worth it. I choose you over my real sister who loves me and I will NEVER make that mistake EVER again.

I wanted you to apologize for a while, and just admit that you were to blame for some of it. I played in your circus of silence for so long, hanging from your tight rope. You will never use that word. You know that I do not like it, and that is because it is never used with any meaning. Never by you. All your words are dipping with your agenda. I am not the one who went and made a mistake, YOU did. Words are no use, you don't need them unless you want to twist them. It was never the curtain call that separated us. We were going off to do great things but we could have stayed close. No, you wanted to hurt me once more in the most epic way you could. You don't want me to achieve. You want me forever under your thumb and when I couldn't be you wanted me destroyed.

Why should I ever expect anything human from you? You will never be sorry. Never. You tear those you love down for the fun of it. I hope that you are always alone. I hope that someones does the same to you. I hope that the last two years have been hell for you. I hope you realize just what you gave up. I hope that nothing has changed in your love of drama, but this time you can't use my better sense of judgment to make it all go away when it is too much. I hope you get your heart broken just like you broke mine. I am tried of loving you and getting nothing for it. I am tired of being so abused. I am tired of your bullshit. Go to hell now, for all I care. Your pride will never let you call me, or even ask for help, help that I would have gladly given,  so only you are to blame. I hope the worst for you. I do not even want you at my wedding. You will destroy something so beautiful and something so happy for me. You do not deserve to be by my side EVER again. I never want to see you and I curse your name. KELSEY ANN PAULES FUCK YOU! I name you and hate you. No longer are you in my shadows. No longer will I dare protect you vile name. Let everyone see who you really are.

You had something so beautiful in me and you ruined it, and that in itself is worse than what most have done. I loved you, truly and honestly. You write letters and notes, claiming that I am the one so foul but we both know it was always you. You love it. You love to cause suffering. He is right, you really are soulless. Soulless and heartless. You deserve much more than what has been said here. It takes so much for me to hate, but you have done so. You are evil. There is nothing more to it and I will allow myself to say it. I will no longer hold back the words that I have seemed to be doing for so long.

How is it up on your high horse? If the moment ever rolls around you might want to take a look down because you are not so far from the ground. You aren't my hero, you are my villain. Don't try to act like you aren't. Don't try to put on the mask and pretend. I am not answering. You tried to kill me with your maybes. I will not beg to be at your back door any more. The fact that I want you hurt so bad should speak volumes.

So thank you. I was so happy with life. I was in love and I was moving up in the world for the first time. Thank you for tearing it all down and reminding me just how far I could fall. Thank you for breaking my heart and showing me that even some people I can not forgive. I tired so hard but I can't. I can't even wish you the best. Thank you for leaving my life. Thank you for never coming back. Thank you for all the pain that you caused so I could learn that some friends aren't friends.

And if  you want my apology then here it is. I am so sorry that you lie, that you play games, that you hurt people,  and that I thought you loved me. I am sorry that you are addicted to being cruel and using people. I am sorry that you think that you are so much better than everyone, and that I was never good enough for you. I am sorry that I trusted you and that I ever let you in my life. I am sorry that I allowed you to use me. I am sorry that I ever think of you in a positive light. I am sorry it took me so long to hate you. I am sorry that I EVER loved you.

Who am I kidding? Sorry has nothing to do with you.

 You were right, everything was so fake between us. You would know, after all. You were the reason it was. How could I not see that?

My final apology is that I am so sorry that I am too good for you.

I denounce your world and your lies with a bottle of kerosene. Sweet dreams in hell.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Vial age

It is sad that the power of words seems to be lost on the general public as a whole. There was once a time when words had meaning, real meaning, and were used to paint the world. They showed emotion, and there was a beauty to it all. Such beauty should not be tarnished with such trifles as "holla" and "dawg".

But alas, we are in the age of vulgarity. Where once was the great Enlightenment is follows that we must fall from the heights that we reached. After all, what goes up must come down. Still, the loss of language was not all we lost. Chivalry is a casualty as well. Even the best "good old southern" boy is no where near as gentlemanly as the gentlemen once were. Isn't it sad that the upper class have forsaken their once cherished ideals, and passed them on to there "subordinates" as they do with all their discards. They no longer embraced the ideals that ones before them would disown them for not following.

We are in the age of obscenity, boorishness, and the meretricious. Those that are in love with beauty, passion, and truth are left to suffer. We see glimpses in odd moments, but they go as fast as they come. We are supposed to be far more advanced than we were 100 years ago. Just look at how far we have come with technology, but the cost was a big one. We sold our soul so we can sit on socla networks all day, and get mad because someone didn't "like" something. For, we truely are the in the Viral age. All the obsenities infect us, making us sick with it, and we forget what there once was.

Somethings should not be instantantious. Letters to a love one should never be. They should be thought over,  written,  scratched out, and written again. They should be labored over and felt. Emails and texts do not show that emotion, they do not bear the scars of one who truely cares for recipient. Letters bring us close, they are written by the hand of the dear one. Emails are written by a computer, and where they look like they bring us close the impersonalness drives us apart.

This age is nothing but a spiarl down in human spirit. We give rise to cold, impersonalness, and discard the truth and beauty in words. We spiarl down as we congraulate ourselves on our depravity.

Can we not have both? Can we not rise once again?

I am sure that we can but then again I probablly not be alive to see it because we have not hit rock bottom and that initself is scary. Is there no level we will not fall to? Is there not one thing we will not throw away in the name of a better future? What is next? But that is ever the question and when we stop asking that question we have truley hit the bottom because there will be nothing left.