Wednesday, January 18, 2012

To those who would think otherwise:

 To those who do not know me, this will be quite boring. With luck the next post I will have found something interesting to write about once more. Please pardon me for stating something that needs to be said to the few that know my face.

Deep down I am not a good person. I do well to hide this fact, I even try, but I am not fooled. Call me arrogant, I have done so myself, but I am smarter than many. I know this. I try to hide it in a vain attempt to seem normal. Abnormal people get too much unwanted attention. That and I wouldn't dare let people I am close to see just how cold I really am. I wear a small amount of coldness to ward off the stupid and ever chipper. Once the person in question has passed those two qualifications than they are a friend. That is all. Just a friend. There are few that are closer, and even they have not seen my quite like this. At most they have seen me quiet. I pretend I am normal and in some way or another they all believe it. Sometimes I even believe that I am normal, not for very long though. Eventually something calls to my intelligence and I am reminded just how useless people can be, so stupid, and annoying.

I vent my intelligence into different formats, to better hide it. Why else would I learn all the presidents of the US? Of course there is the ever present sarcasm that I use. I vent and hide and it gets me through. I focus some of it through the very people I hide it from. They can be interesting at times, and they were my first obsession, but now that I have the key to most puzzles that they present, they seem boring and uninteresting, predictable at best. I dare not draw too much attention, but I dare not loose an ounce of my intelligence and potential. It is the siren call of intelligence that I am not immune to. It is then I am at my worse. I am cruel and uncaring. In short I am an ass and I know it, and I DO NOT CARE.

No one has seen me this way. I hide in isolation and if that is deemed impossible for the moment, then I don my mask and dance in the masquerade that is normalcy, all the while, waiting for the moment when I can strike off and examine what has caught my attention. Each call becomes a new obsession for me. Thankfully they are far between, everything else I handle on a normal level and all seems well. Its the puzzle that I must solve, the rush I love and hate, for it is addicting, and I must solve it. I hardly care what gets in my way, or what I must say or do to do so.

My intelligence is especially in people, social interactions, and what lies behind the day to day. I can read people, quite easily. My childhood was good for something after all I guess. I know what to say, how to act, how to stand, to act like I am just like them. Its second nature now. There is a simple pleasure in not thinking, just like them. Its how I made it through bootcamp. I turned my intelligence away and my social skills. It made it a lot easier. I was able to avoid a lot of the drama and frustration. The RDC were making decisions for me anyway, so why bother with thinking about how stupid it all was. It would do me no good, so why? Why make more than 3 friends? I was never going to see these people ever again and more than 3 was asking to bring how their pointless drama. Be-friend the people who mattered and screw everyone else. Simple.

The result was when I returned I was all the dumber. There was no avoiding it. Survival or insanity? Simple. I did my best to regain what I had lost, and now that I have been away from boot for almost a year I finally feel I have gotten most of it back. We all have our darkness and mine seems tied with my brightest light.

I have not reached my potential, my mental "growth" was stunted with the need to survive. That is how I am so cold to begin with. If I didn't learn that trick I would be dead now. I came close a few times before I just shut my emotions up. Children are not meant to be raised like that.

And with that I could have been so much worse. I could have quite easily become a sociopath. The true heights of my intelligence and what I could and couldn't be or have become I can only guess at. There is a lot I imagine I could be, but no proof and without said proof there is no point.  

And here I am on the side of angels as it were. Good intentions and an understanding of right and wrong do not make a good person. If needed be I'd shake hands with the devil, most likely for a good reason. It is because I understand one thing, I will never be pure, or innocent, or good, so why stain the hands of someone who is when my hands are already stained with sins. In a way that makes me good, if that is the way that you wish to see it, but I know better.I am no hero, I am no angel, I am no concerned citizen. At best I am demon with morals.

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